The way we talk to ourselves
Low self-esteem can quietly shape how we live, think about ourselves, relate to others, and approach life’s challenges. It often involves a persistent sense of not being good enough, accompanied by self-criticism and a fear of being rejected.
In my client work, I often help clients understand where this pattern of low self-esteem can come from and how to shift this going forward.
How Low Self-Esteem Develops
Low self-esteem can often be developed from negative early experiences, such as criticism, neglect, bullying, or feeling unseen. These experiences can form core beliefs such as: “I’m a failure” or “I am unlovable”, which influence our thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. These core beliefs can lead to avoid situations that challenge us, dismiss praise, or become overly harsh with ourselves.
Therapy can offer a safe space to explore these patterns and begin to develop a more balanced and compassionate relationship with yourself.
Challenging Unhelpful Thinking
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help us identify and understand the links between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. When working with low self-esteem, a key part of the process is becoming aware of your negative automatic thoughts. These are quick, often critical internal comments that knock your confidence.
In therapy, we gently challenge these thoughts. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I always mess things up,” we might explore the evidence for and against that belief. Are there any times when you’ve done well? What would you say to a friend in a similar situation? By learning to evaluate these thoughts more realistically, you can begin to loosen their grip.
Clients are often encouraged to keep thought records or journals to track patterns and notice shifts over time. This process helps bring more clarity and perspective, creating space for new, more affirming beliefs to emerge.
Developing a more compassionate inner voice
For many people with low self-esteem, self-criticism is loud and persistent. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) focuses on developing an inner voice that is kind, warm, and encouraging, a powerful antidote to the inner critic.
Through guided imagery, soothing breathing exercises, and compassionate letter writing, clients can learn to access what CFT calls the compassionate self, a part of us that can hold our struggles with kindness and strength. This approach isn’t about ignoring difficulties but about meeting them with care rather than blame.
We may ask: What would a wise, compassionate other say to you right now? Or can you speak to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one who is struggling? These exercises can begin to reshape our relationship with ourselves from one of judgment to one of acceptance and encouragement.
Practical steps
While it can take time to shift how we feel about ourselves, there are small, practical steps we can take to begin changing this. Here are some ways to get started:
Keeping a self-esteem journal: We often overlook the positives when self-esteem is low; daily journaling can improve our well-being by building a habit of noticing our successes, qualities, and strengths. You can start this by following three prompts: "I felt proud when...", "Today I accomplished..." and "Something I did for someone...".
Challenge unhelpful thinking: When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk (e.g. “I’m useless”), you can challenge this thinking by exploring the evidence for and against this thought, asking if this is based on fact or opinion, and shifting perspective to questioning if you would say this to someone you cared about in the same situation.
Notice your inner critic: Begin by focusing on your inner dialogue. Do you talk to yourself in a way that you would never talk to a friend? Note down the self-critical ideas you frequently have. The first step to change is awareness.
Set small achievable goals: Big goals can seem overwhelming with low self-esteem. However, breaking things down into smaller, achievable steps can bring a sense of accomplishment and empowerment. Each small step should be acknowledged as a reminder of your abilities.
Practice compassionate imagery: Close your eyes and visualise a calming and safe setting. Imagine yourself or someone else showing you kindness, warmth, and support. In times of self-doubt, this calming mental image can support the development of emotional balance and safety.
Support system: Notice how the people around you influence the way you feel and talk about yourself. Ensuring you have a supportive, kind and respectful network of people around you can help boost your self-esteem and confidence. If you often engage in negative self-comparison with others, for example, through social media, remind yourself that we often only see one small part of that person’s life. This can help alleviate feelings of inadequacy and shift the focus to your values and progress.
The goal of developing self-esteem is not to achieve perfection, but learning to treat yourself with the same compassion, kindness and respect that you give to others. Small changes in your thinking, self-talk, and self-care can result in meaningful change over time. If you’re finding it difficult to do this on your own, therapy can help provide a safe and encouraging environment to shift your negative beliefs and improve the relationship you have with yourself.
- Nisma Asif